My car was parked in the gravel drive on the left side of the two story house I inherited from my parents when they passed away 4 years ago.
I usually have a horrible time when I go out but tonight I planned on it being different. I will sit at the bar have one or two drinks, ignore all of the assholes. Then I will drive back home take a shower, crawl into my bed and drift off to a dreamless sleep. Well that is my plan.
I started my car, turned up the radio, and drove down my gravel drive to the main road. The drivers side window was halfway down, I could feel a cool breeze blow across my pale face.
I pulled into the Kris's Bar parking lot and found a place close to the front to park. I neatly got out of the car and looked around. There were a few cars outside the rustic bar. Good not too may people. So I slowly walked up to the front door and took a deep breath. Well here I go. I swung open the heavy door and looked inside. It was dark, smokey, and warm. 5 out of the 15 ancient tables were filled. There was a dark looking man sitting at the end of the short bar looking down at his drink. I wove my to the other end of the bar and sat down thinking about what I wanted to drink.
Krista the owner of the bar smiled and waved signaling she would be with me in a minute. So I grabbed my purse rummaged around and found a ten dollar bill. Krista was there when I looked up.
"What can I get you?" Krista asked with a smile.
"Um, a Screwdriver?"
"Sure just a sec." She turned around and started mixing my drink with a little hop to her step.
When she brought my drink back she said. "So Alice, what have you been up to? I haven't seen you for a while."
"Oh!" Surprised she was talking to me. "I haven't been up to much lately. Just got tired of sitting around the house."
"That sucks, well you have a date tonight?"
"Nope sorry," I paused then added, "What have you been up to?"
"Just work. Oh hey, did you here about Jake Lessly?" She said with and eager look on her face.
"No, what about him?"
"Him and his girlfriend got into a big fight and he ended up in the hospital." She said with a big grin on her face.
"What? How did that happen?" More surprised then I thought I would be.
"I here that Bell walked in on him with another woman. "And instead of getting pissed at the chick she beat the **** out of him," She laughed. "He has a broken arm, two broken ribs, and his collar bone is fractured."I am writing a story and I really need some more opinions. So please help me and please be honest.?
Well, there's good news and bad news to go with this. Bad news: there's a whole lot of bad stuff going on here. Good news: it's not at all hard to fix; it'll just take a bit of time. First off, you're going to want a stronger hook than getting dressed and walking to the car. As mentioned before, there is nothing remarkable about that and no reason at all to continue reading or care about why this character is going to get dressed. A decent spot to start it might be down the page, at "hey, did you hear about Jake Lessly?". Play around with it.
Some more things to note: repetition (at the end when both quotes end with "she said with a") and needless details (you're writing in your character's head. Think about how you get ready for a day. When you walk out of the house do you really go "I'm walking to my car that's on the left side of my gravel driveway of my two-story house that my parents bought several years ago"? I hope not. Detail is good, but you have to get it into the story in a natural way. If you're writing in first person, the narration HAS to be things that the character would naturally think). Another thing you indulge in is one of my biggest pet peeves ever: needless list descriptions, like in the beginning when you just rattle off physical appearance attributes. You'll find that's a pretty significant turn-off for most readers, and to have it be in the first paragraph is just setting yourself up for disaster. Find a more natural way to explain description (have a friend comment on how good she's looking at the bar or something).
Don't get discouraged. Every writer has something they need to work on, and just reading over my comments the key word that I used was "natural". You'll get that natural style and rhythm simply by writing more. I was in a similar situation when I wrote my first story. I wrote it over the course of a year, then went back and was astonished by how wretched I was in the beginning and how much better it was at the end of the process. My advice at this point is to keep your weaknesses in mind and plow through until the end, then go back and edit. If you get caught up in changing everything at the beginning of the story now, you'll have a glimmery shiny pretty first few pages but nothing after that. Good luck!I am writing a story and I really need some more opinions. So please help me and please be honest.?
Honestly the first paragraph doesn't grab my attention. Sorry babe but the paragraph has to grab my attention or I won't read it.I am writing a story and I really need some more opinions. So please help me and please be honest.?
I am a fan of vampire books but honestly this is an okay book!I am writing a story and I really need some more opinions. So please help me and please be honest.?
It sounds great so far. Things are evenly paced but you do need to indent paragraphs, and make sure you don't get the present, past, and future tense mixed up. You also need to fill in more background information about the character. Besides that, it is very well written.
I agree with what someone above me said the first paragraph didn't grab my attention.
It all seems kind of rushed as if you can't write it all out quick enough, try something like this...
Giving up on deciding what to wear I settled for a new purple top and my favourite jeans. I didn't have time to do my hair, I needed to be at the bar in 10 minutes so a quick brush would have to do. Looking at myself in the mirror I was satisfied I didn't look as if I was trying to hard. Running down the stairs i glanced at my smiling reflection once more as I grabbed my keys and ran for my car; I was excited for tonight.
xoxo
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