Any opinions or suggestions about the book I'm writing?

When it rains, and I mean pours with a fierceness, therein lies the beauty of the world. The heat disdains. And sunshine and all the acclaimed beauty of the world, like the birds and the flowers, they all seem to conceal something. Some inner truth.

I was in the park as it rained that afternoon, swinging as usual. I'd always loved swinging. It mimicked the sensation of flying, kicking off the ground, and defying the binds of gravity momentarily. The wind caressed my soul, and I could feel the chill of the rain in my bones. The rain always lent me that feeling of being more than human.

That afternoon, I retrieved the news of my sister's death.

The police had informed my parents that Ebony had been found and murdered under the park bridge, but I kept thinking otherwise. Something tugging me at the back of my mind, buried deep and too fuzzy to remember told me otherwise.

My mother worried for me. After Ebony's death, she had looked over me more than ever like a worried hen. I had changed since the day before Ebony went missing- the day before we had been told it was a work of a murderer. I had dyed my straight blonde hair black and my smokey gray eyes looked like stormy seas. Ebony remained in my mind, and some days I sat still, stirred and a total hurricane in the inside; quiet and flesh and blood out. That was when my mother pulled the cord. I had learned in advance that I would be leaving, while eavesdropping on my parent's conversation.

"Kent, Mari cannot keep living like this!" My mother exclaimed one night. I wasn't supposed to be up this late, but I didn't care. If the conversation was going to be about me, I wanted to see why.

"Mari is fine. It's you I'm worried about," My father burst.

"Oh, you know what I mean! Don't play dumb with me! It's not healthy for Marielle to be this way," Mom spat back. "It's not fair for her! Especially in her condition!"

I swallowed. What in the world were they talking about?



Okay so that's all I have. Tell me what you think!! I want constructive criticism and some suggestions! Thanks!!!Any opinions or suggestions about the book I'm writing?
It's a good start, but like any rough draft, needs a little work. I saw a few things that caught my eye while reading. One of the first things I noticed was you said 'That afternoon, I retrieved the news of my sister's death.' I think the word received would work a little better, because to retrieve is to fetch or go looking for something and find it, while to receive is to be given. When I read that sentence, it made me think that she had gone looking for her sisters death in some archive or library, but if you use receive, it would mean that she learned of her sisters death.



Another sentence that caught my eye was 'Something tugging me at the back of my mind,' the only word I would change there would be 'me', so that it became "something tugging at the back of my mind'. This makes the sentence flow easier.



The only other part that I was wondering about was 'Ebony remained in my mind, and some days I sat still, stirred and a total hurricane in the inside; quiet and flesh and blood out.' This sentence has great potential, but I was left wondering what you meant by 'blood out'. To make the sentence flow a bit more, I would write it like this 'Ebony remained in my mind. Some days I sat still, stirred like a hurricane on the inside.' It's just a minor adjustment with punctuation, and then you could add your 'quiet and flesh and blood out' onto that.



I really think this story has potential. Marielle is a compelling character who I want to get to know more about. You have beautiful descriptive sentences and your storyline is coming along really well. I would love to read the finished work.



Keep up the great work and happy writing!



-DPAny opinions or suggestions about the book I'm writing?
You 'retrieved' the news of your sister's death? Where had it been?

The 'binds of gravity'? You don't mean bonds, do you?

I don't understand your last sentence either - 'she murdered her by anger and frustration with her parents..." Does this mean she murdered her sister? And how did she use anger and frustration with her parents to kill someone?

This might have potential, but needs a LOT of work.Any opinions or suggestions about the book I'm writing?
i think this is great so far, but i was confused about the age of marielle, i think you should write in a way so that the reader can sense the age of marielle and ebony. or you can tell the reader when she died and how old marielle was at the time. i think that would leave the reader less confused.(this is my opinion, dont take it offencively :D)